What is lust? Is lust or object gratification a sin? What is the sign of lust? How is lust different from love? How to overcome sexual desires? How to control lust? How to control lustful thoughts? How to stop sexualizing people? If you are someone who has been struggling with these questions, then this article is for you. But before that let me tell you that you are not alone. These are the series of questions I am receiving from several people irrespective of their age, relationship status or gender. So I thought to write clearing every aspect of lust today in details and will write what the holy books of major religions and Spirituality have to say on being lusty.
What is Lust?
To overcome any feeling, as I always say, you must know what the feeling is. The same is with being lusty. If we see the definition then Lust is a psychological wanting, an extreme need to be physically connected to another person for sexual gratification.
In common language, lust is sexual objectification, pure and simple. Lust is seeing someone through the lens of body parts and sexualized fantasy rather than as a whole person that you care about beyond the sexual realm.
To sexualize someone in your head in this way is a normal and healthy trait for all humans. You don’t need to feel shame as it’s natural, even if you’re already in a relationship, to sometimes project onto others your desires and needs and to fantasize about how someone might meet those desires and needs.
Is Lust a sin?
To know whether lust is a sin or not is depends on your perception of how you see it and how it is useful or affecting you. But before that let us have a look at what the major religions of the world have to say about lust.
Bible
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:28 ESV / 13
Geeta
“Three gates are leading to the hell of self-destruction for the soul—lust, anger, and greed. Therefore, all should abandon these three.” - BG 16.21
Quran
Every religion as you see has considered lusting a deadly sin but wait before arriving at any conclusion you must know every aspect of lust. You know well that every feeling that a human encounter in his life has something to tell about himself. And when it comes to Spirituality there is nothing wrong or right.
In Spirituality it’s not necessary to try to stop your sexual desire for spiritual evolution, nor is it clear that is even possible for most people. So before giving any statement about lust you must know what is causing it.
What Causes lust?
Lust is a part of the natural drive to procreate, so when you see a possible mate, the brain is wired to release chemicals that make you more likely to seek them for that purpose. Our bodies don’t care about love; they care about the continuation of the species which is where lust becomes beneficial. The part of the brain that is involved in behavioural requirement and self-awareness is not active in this process, meaning it’s entirely subconscious. You cannot choose to lust after someone; your brains will do it for you on a chemical level.
How lust affects your life?
Though the feeling of lust is natural as you do not choose it, it’s subconscious but it becomes a problem when you cross the line from momentary sexual attraction to sexualizing or lusting people and experiences as a way to control depression, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, unresolved early-life trauma, and unmet adult-life needs.
In other words, lust becomes a problem when you use it to “control” your feelings and therefore your interactions with and connections to other people. When this happens, life can become more focused on sexual fantasy than on reality. You can lose your ability to connect and be intimate in meaningful ways. Instead of being a part of, you become apart from. Worst of all, you do not get their deeper needs to feel loved, supported, and connected met. You may avoid even trying to get those needs met. And that makes you, deep down, feel even worse about yourself. And so it becomes necessary to control your feelings of lust.
How to control lust?
Though I think that lust is not a gigantic impediment yet I do not agree with some experts who argue that lust leads to love and romance. Love is different. Love is one of the most beautiful emotions that a human can experience. While lust is a part of love may rank closely with sexual desire. Lust is by no means the same as with making love.
Kabir Das (An Indian Saint) once said, "where there is love, there is no lust and where there is lust there is no love."
Sign of lust? (How is it different from love?)
If it’s lust you’re focused on a person’s looks and body. While in love you want to spend quality time together.
If it’s lust you’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. But if you're in love you get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
Lust makes you keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. But in love you want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
In lust, you want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling.
You may be lovers, but not friends if it’s lust but in love, you are friends first lovers second.
Patanjali, the father of yoga has said, “a human must overcome lust just as much as things like violence, lies, stealing and greed to progress on the evolutionary path, become a more evolved being and ultimately attain union with the Infinite source from which all emerged.”
Here are the practical ways to overcome the lusty thoughts that are flooding your mind with toxicity.
Question your intent
Most of the time, when your minds wander sexually, you aren’t seeking pure sex. You are seeking to replace something missing in your lives and your relationships. It could also be that you are trying to distract yourself from dealing with something difficult. For each man, these things will be specific to his experiences. Figure out the root issue and work to correct it.
If it is something that you are missing in your relationship then
Talk about it.
One of the secrets of long-time partners is being open to each other. Communication is very important to achieve stability, security, and honest intimacy in a relationship. Talk about what you are feeling. Don’t be afraid of being judged. Transparency is very important for your relationship to work and for it to overcome temptations.
Practice sexual intimacy
While there is no way to go back to how you felt when your relationship was new, there are certainly plenty of ways to regain that level of relational excitement. Improving communication, date nights, passionate kissing and thoughtful gestures are just a few examples. When our minds and hearts are occupied in the right place, sexual lust has little room to operate. In short look for love, not lust. Don’t let physical pleasures be the centre of your relationship.
Consider the consequences
While pondering the object of your desire, also ponder the consequences of the action. Is it going to help or hurt your marriage or relationship? How would your loved one respond if she/he knew? Think about where your actions can lead. Do you want to deal with the fallout? Always think of the end game. Where do you want to be? Are your thoughts and actions leading you there?
Practice Meditation
Meditation can improve self-awareness, reduce stress, improves concentration and relaxes your mind and body.
If you’re contented, happy and not stressed, you won’t always be looking for the pleasures that sexual activities give. You should not view sexual activity as a way to gratify yourself but as an expression of love.
Redirect your passion
Rather than being controlled by untamed lust, direct that passion in positive directions. Sexual energy is an expression of that universal creative force of life. That is divine energy, not nasty energy. What is more important is to use that powerful force to transcend the mere physical aspects of sex to the spiritual aim of unity that the energy is aiming toward.
I know that this is an unusual understanding of sex currently in society, but the challenge is not to stop the human drive of sexuality itself, but to break free of our judgements, and limited conceptions of sexual energy to achieve the spiritual potential contained within it.
Thank you
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