How Setting Boundaries Is Important? How to Recognize Healthy and Unhealthy Boundaries?
You might be aware of the feeling when someone tries to involve in your personal space. It may be a stranger that is standing too close to you or touching you (physical boundary) or asking you very personal questions (emotional boundary). All are examples of boundary violations. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, or feeling drained around a person can all be signs that our boundaries have been violated.
So what are boundaries?
Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create to establish how others are able to behave around them. For example, they may involve what behavior is okay and what is not and how to respond if someone passes those limits. Setting boundaries can ensure that relationships can be mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.
Boundaries can be both physical and emotional. Physical boundaries involve what you are comfortable with regarding personal space, touch, privacy, and sexual contact. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, encompass the line between your feelings and the feelings of others. This looks like taking responsibility for your own feelings and recognizing that you cannot control what others feel. It also involves being aware of what you do/does not feel comfortable sharing with others and honoring those limits.
How is setting boundaries important?
Often, we assume that people will respect our boundaries because we were brought up and taught what is acceptable by our family and/or culture. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Although we can choose who we interact with, in our personal life such as choosing close friends, this is not always the case in other environments such as work, family, community, etc. We can feel uncomfortable or even violated if we interact with those who have poor boundaries.
Narcissists are notorious for making others uncomfortable by involving more in someone’s personal space. Actually, this behavior appears to be increasing in our culture. Therefore, it is important to set boundaries.
We have to know how to establish healthy emotional, psychological, and physical boundaries in relationships so we can feel respected and safe. How? The first step is knowing the clear difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
What exactly do healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries look like?
Healthy boundaries are a key element in your physical, mental, and emotional health. They look different for each person and relationship, and they may change over time. Healthy boundaries are also bidirectional; they involve communicating your wants and needs in a relationship, while also respecting the wants and needs of the other person in the relationship. While unhealthy boundaries involve a disregard for your own and others’ values, wants, needs, and limits. They can also lead to potentially abusive dating/romantic relationships and increase the chances of other types of abusive relationships as well.
Here are just a few examples of what healthy and unhealthy boundaries might look like:
Healthy Boundaries
Respecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions while valuing your personal boundaries and not compromising them for someone else.
Saying “no” and accepting when others say “no.”
Knowing who you are and what you want, and communicating that to others.
Engaging in appropriate sharing.
Not letting others define you or your sense of self-worth.
Knowing that your needs and feelings are just as important as the needs and feelings of others.
Knowing that you have the right to your emotions and feelings.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Disrespecting the values, beliefs, and opinions of others when you do not agree with them.
Not saying “no” or not accepting when others say “no.”
Feeling like you are responsible for other people’s feelings and/or happiness.
Feeling like you are responsible for “fixing” or “saving” others.
Touching people without their permission.
Engaging in sexual activity without clear consent from the other person.
Regardless of what type of boundaries you are talking about, it’s important to keep in mind that healthy boundaries are all about you and the other person in the relationship’s wants, needs, and limits being honored and respected. It’s also important to remember that healthy boundaries take effort and intentionality to implement and maintain. Healthy boundaries can also help prevent relationship abuse by helping individuals understand the difference between what is acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior in different types of relationships.
Can Boundaries be changed with time?
Yes! It’s normal for boundaries to shift as we gain more life experience or get more comfortable in our relationships. We might not be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but we might be totally cool with it a few months down the line. On the other hand, we might realize something crosses a boundary for us after experiencing it for the first time. Every person has the right to change their mind about what their boundaries are at any time.
What’s important is that you’re communicating any boundary changes to your partner and you’re making changes because YOU want to, not because you’re being pressured, forced, or manipulated into making them.
You deserve to be safe and respected, and boundaries play a big part in creating healthy relationships that let you be YOU.
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