Relationships, marriages, divorces have always confused me. I never understood the purpose of a relationship, or to get attach with someone special. But as I am approaching what society considers age to get married, people around me getting more and more curious about when I am going to marry. They are rarely interested in what kind of man I want to marry but all they are interested in when I am going to marry. How on the earth I can tell when I will get married when I do not even know the point of marrying, the relationships.
I have seen people betraying and fighting in a marriage or a relationship. I have seen people sobbing, engulfing silence and wondering how their relationship got to that particular ‘fighting’ point. I have seen people working hard to get someone or adoring their loved ones at the beginning of a relationship and later find it difficult to get along with the same person. The magic fades from the relationships, sexual drive changes, communication delays or whatnot. And those people never take a chance to commit to a partner because they have a better deal just around the corner. So they left the person only to suffer in silence.
Then what’s the point of a relationship? What’s the point of being with someone if the relationship someday fizzles out and you’re left with the worn-out remains of a once flourishing relationship?
I always wonder what causes a thriving relationship to changes into a painful experience for the people. After seeing a lot of people indulging in marriage or romantic relationships and coming out of it without bothering to work on it or invest the time and energy into resolving issues and bumping into another dysfunctional relationship, I can conclude why romantic relationships fail.
Why Relationship Fails?
A few years ago I read a book by Kathy Freston titled “The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love.” In the book, there was a phrase, “We need the challenge relationships to provide by calling us out on our prejudices, and we need people – partners, friends, casual acquaintances, and even strangers – who will walk with us as we make our way to our soul’s potential.”
Reading the phrase I realised the reason for failed relationships is wanting a relationship to go smooth and that’s where the issue arises. Whenever you encounter challenges in a relationship, you run to find a haven and ended into another same kind of relationship. But you forget that challenges are essential for growth.
So the only reason I could find for relationship failure is getting into a relationship for the wrong purposes. Meaning people fall for some of the following purposes
1. To avoid being lonely
2. To depend on someone for financial freedom
3. To fulfil sexual intimacy
4. To share problems
5. To get love
6. To get happiness
7. To have kids
Or you can include more.
These are the very fundamental reasons you find yourself sharing a life with someone else?
If you think that your relationship is based on one of the above-listed reason then don’t be surprised if it seems to be hanging on at the whims of fate.
By calling these purposes ‘wrong’, I mean you need someone else to make sure you never feel lonely, to make you happy, to sexually available to you whenever you want, to create and raise a new life for you, to make you feel whole, to make you feel complete? And, up to what extent? Think yourself why wouldn’t a relationship fail.
You can’t always control or rely on someone else because the only person you have full control over is yourself. Though your partner can influence you yet they have no control over your emotions and vice versa. You can’t control them from cheating, or an emotional affair with someone else, or changing their sexual drive.
How to make a relationship works?
No, I am not going to give you some magical relationship tips. Still, you can find them in many blogs, magazines, articles, newspaper columns as the internet is full of such stuff. You can read the thing everyone ought to know about love.
However, no matter how much stuff you read or know, you can’t make a relationship work smoothly all the time. There will always be some days when you won’t be happy. Nevertheless, you can work upon it once you realise the true purpose of any relationship.
What is the True Purpose of a relationship?
After resisting and condemning the relationships for years, finally, I decided to marry as I know the true purpose of being in a relationship now. Now I understand that a relationship is not for what we think but something unconditional, something that I can take responsibility for such as personal development, share completeness and spiritual growth.
Relationship for Personal Development
Kathy in “The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love.” Writes, “The challenge of finding and keeping a soul mate is the perfect impetus for our metaphysical maturation. Our love relationships bring us face to face with our demons, and we are willing to confront them and learn how to better ourselves because we want so badly to fulfil love’s magical promise. It is by using the experiences that arise within the context of partnership – both joyful and painful ones – that we come to embrace the enormous spiritual capacity that lies within us, making us capable of magnificent things, not only in the area of relationships but in every area of life.”
Personal development is a continual challenge to make yourself better, and what can be the best way to become your better version than being tested for patience in a relationship.
How many time have you said or heard people saying, “I can’t believe she did this again, or he does it every time, or I have told him so many times before, or she knows how important this is for me, or he is so selfish and inconsiderate, or I bet he would not treat his mother like this, why doesn’t she change, or I am never going to speak to her again, …or I am so right!”? Isn’t it childish?
Better is to use this opportunity for personal development. Use the opportunity of being alone to know your true self. Use this pain to look within yourself, to get the insights of work that needs to be done within yourself. Unfortunately, people use the pain and suffering in a relationship to blame their partner, they never take chance to inspect their inner self. Instead, the pain or resentment in the relationship should be used for your personal growth. The way of insight is through delicate observation. When any upset occurs, watch closely how you react to it. Watch closely how the storm of thoughts start to take control. You can learn the greatest skill of examining your mind.
Relationships imperatively work as mirrors showing you the ways you need to change and become better mates. And so the pain and suffering teach you how you want to be treated and to be loved. And as they say like attracts like, become the person you want in your life to attract who you want. Do you want a kind and loving person? Be kind and loving to others. Do you want a supportive and understanding partner? Be supportive and understanding to others. Do you want a loyal mate? Be loyal and learn to trust others. Having trust in others allows you to know your true self.
Relationship to Share your Completeness
In the 1st book of ‘Conversation with God’ series, God through Neale Donald Walsch says, “The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to share your completeness with them.”
I understand you grew up with the idea that there is someone else around the corner, who is considered to be ‘perfect for you and who will rescue you from all the dangers of life. Some of you do worse, you think it as your better half (sigh…) as if you are a half-human. No, please stop considering yourself an incomplete person for God’s sake. Do realize yourself a whole package with unique skills and qualities. The cause of failed relationships, though I don’t think any relationship is a fail relationship as every relationship is there for a lesson or more, is your thinking of someone else being there perfect for you.
In this kind of relationship when you’re with someone to get complete only issues like blame, assumptions, resentment, and unmet expectations, and arguments, lack of trust, communication and intimacy generate. After getting attached to a person for a while thinking him your prince charming, you will soon find that he’s not a prince charming. He won’t rescue you from all your issues and life problems. Instead, you will find him adding problems to your life. And worse you will do by not taking any chance and moving on to find another prince or princess (in the case of a man).
“A soul mate reflects us that which is unhealed while testifying to what is already perfect. Soul mates provide different things at different times: sometimes a haven from which we can branch out and explore, and sometimes challenges that bring us to our knees. In every case, they help us as we make our way along the path leading to the innermost sanctum where Spirit resides.” – Kathy in ‘The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love'
The purpose of a relationship is for companionship – a deep sense of connection and love, and acceptance of who we truly are. A relationship should be there to share a connection, to share your experience, to understand another person while understanding yourself. It’s an opportunity to appreciate the differences and celebrate the uniqueness. There is no point in making your partner the same as you, it is even the worst thing you can do to someone to expect them to behave like you.
A relationship that is based on shared values and goals is passionate, creative and stimulating. It provides stability, love, security, laughter, joy and a haven. It provides the platform for personal growth and contribution to society in a very positive way. Use this fabulous opportunity to create and produce a tremendous experience of your ideas of who you want to be. You should read one of the ancient Indian sage, Yagyawalkya's conversation with his wife Maitreyi. To understand how a partner shares his experience, his grief to another and how another shares her wisdom to resolve the issue.
“It doesn’t matter what the other is being, doing, having, saying, wanting, demanding. It doesn’t matter what the other is thinking, expecting, planning. It only matters what you are being in relationship to that.” Conversations with God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch
Relationship For Spiritual Growth
Spiritual growth is a way of testing our faith. We can show gratitude for our blessings or stay strong and devoted through difficult times. This is something that is absolutely within our power.
Kathy in ‘The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love', writes “No matter what the question, this is the answer: we are here in each other’s lives to facilitate in one another a higher state of consciousness. We are here to open each other’s eyes to God. We don’t talk about that; it certainly isn’t the spoken goal of most partnerships. But that is what is at play.”
This is the absolute purpose I find worth sharing. The main aim for writing this article is to make you realise that our ultimate goal is to discover our inner self, this is what spirituality all about, and a relationship is a great way to find your ways of thinking, acting and reacting. Read 6 ways to discover your inner self.
Spirituality aims to calm your ego and see others with oneness. During spiritual practice, we only observe our ego and try to control it whenever find it climbing into the driver’s seat and tell it to go back. Similarly, the relationship can be a way to calm your ego. Whenever you catch your mind going in the direction of controlling or dominating your partner, observe your thoughts and make your mind that your partner have their mind to follow and you have no right to push your agenda on their life.
You should stop insisting on getting your way and allow them to be who they are. Though you can make suggestions and can express your opinions, yet it gets you nowhere to insist on having things your way. You can’t change anyone else; you can only work on changing yourself.
Conclusion
Before getting into a relationship, you just need to know the motive of your being into a relationship.
If the purpose of your relationship is to make you complete, to satisfy your needs, to help you avoid loneliness, to your sexual gratification, to make you happy, then don’t jump into it. Remember, God hasn’t mandated the relationship, you can stay alone. There is no compulsion. But if you aim to add value by being in someone's life mentally, spiritually or emotionally or to understand and see your true self then surely you should go for it.
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