Generally, people thought people pleasing makes them easy-going, likable, and pretty cool. Little do they know that being people pleaser just makes them lost, confused, and pretty unlikable. You see, when you go through life as a people pleaser, you aren’t living on your own terms. You can believe that you’re being nice, agreeable, and drama-free, but keeping your true self underneath the surface doesn’t help anybody. It just brings you being surrounded by rude, self-centred, and unforgiving people who, instead of appreciating that you’ve put their needs first, treat you like a doormat.
Its just a complete waste of time if you think that people going to understand how much they have put on you, or hope that one day they will lessen their demands. This kind of hope is foolish if you don’t change your behaviour of people pleasing. To change your behaviour you must first know what people pleasing is and how it’s a problem and recognise the sign if you really a people pleaser or just extremely kind to others.
What Is A People-Pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who has a need to please others. They are very kind and helpful and they are always willing to lend a hand as they often do things for others at the expense of their own needs. However, they can feel as though they have to do everything that is asked of them in order to be loved and accepted. People-pleasers do not like anyone being angry with them and try to avoid conflict at all costs. They feel responsible for the emotions of others and tend to over-apologize. People-pleasers believe that it is their responsibility to make other happy.
Why Is Being A People-Pleaser A Problem?
People-pleasers can be so busy taking care of everyone else that they forget to take care of themselves. They can identify so strongly with caregiving and agreeing with others that they can lose sight of their own needs, values, and beliefs. Their kindness, willingness to help, and difficulty saying no, can lead to other people taking advantage of them.
People-pleasers can become overworked and overburdened, which can lead to them harboring resentment towards those they are helping. The desire to avoid conflict can cause them to accept bad behavior from others. Putting aside their own needs can cause them to believe their needs aren’t important.
Recognising The Sign Of Being A People-Pleaser
You have a low opinion of yourself. You may believe people only care about you when you’re useful, and need their praise and appreciation in order to feel good about yourself.
You need others to like you. You often spend a lot of time worrying about rejection. These worries often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy with you so they don’t reject you.
It’s hard for you to say “no”. You might worry that saying someone “no” or turning down a request for help will make them think you don’t care about them even if you don’t actually have the time or inclination to help.
Are you always ready with a “sorry!” when something goes wrong? People-pleasing involves readiness to take on blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with you.
You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree. Agreeability often seems like a sure-fire way to win approval.
You struggle with authenticity. You often have a harder time recognising how you really feel. Continuing to push your own needs to the side makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself. You also may not be able to voice the feelings you are aware of, even when you want to speak up for yourself.
You’re a giver. Do you like giving to others? More importantly, do you give with a goal of being liked? You might give and give, hoping people will reciprocate with the affection and love you desire.
You don’t have any free time. Take a look at how you spend your free time. After taking care of essential responsibilities, such as work, chores, and childcare, what’s left for you? Do you have time for hobbies and relaxation?
“Sometimes you aren’t listening to your body because you’re listening to everybody else’s expectations.” ― Ann Voskamp
Arguments and conflict upset you. To avoid the anger of people, you might rush to apologize or do whatever you think will make them happy, even when they’re not angry at you.
If you identify with the above, there are things you can do to stop being a people-pleaser. First you need to know what causing you to be a People-Pleaser.
What Causes You To Be A People-Pleaser?
In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it’s important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don’t value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation.
Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won’t like them if they don’t go above and beyond to make them happy.
Perfectionism: Sometimes people want everything to be “just so,” including how other people think and feel.
Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. People who have experienced abuse, for example, may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering abusive behavior in others.
How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser?
Fortunately, there are some steps that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own. Some steps you can take include the following.
Become self-aware
The very first step to stop any unwanted behaviour is to become self-aware about that. Read the 6 easy ways to discover your inner self. The greatest changes begin when you look at yourself with interest and respect, instead of judgement and denial. When you invite your thoughts and feelings into awareness, you have the opportunity to learn from them, instead of unconsciously reacting to them, and you increase your awareness of reality by being willing to encounter your personal truths. When you do this, it will give you a better handle on your impulse to please and will allow you to notice when you will not be helpful. It will give you the chance to make different moves.
Set Your Boundaries
Once you know what you’re willing to do, establish clear boundaries, and then communicate those needs with loving-kindness. Be clear and specific about what you’re willing to take on. It may be helpful to think of boundaries as the outward expression of self-love. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it’s over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won’t be able to help.
Learn To Say “No” Without Excuses
One of the biggest ways that people find themselves caught in a people pleasing loop is through a lack of assertiveness. It’s important to be direct when you say “no” and avoid blaming other obligations or excuses for your inability to participate. Don’t be afraid to state your reasoning for saying no, but keep it short and do not apologize. Being firm, yet courteous tells others that you are confident in your decision. Once you start explaining why you can’t do something, you are giving the other person a way to poke holes in your excuse and find reasons why you can just do those other things later. Or giving them the chance to adjust their request to ensure that you can still do what they are asking.
Sit with discomfort
For some, people-pleasing is a way to mitigate the intense discomfort of rejection, judgment, abandonment, or feeling less-than-perfect. But if you learn to sit with those feelings, they may have less power over your actions.
Remind yourself that you can’t be everything to everyone
No matter what you do, someone is going to disapprove. You can’t win them all over. At the end of the day, there’s one opinion of you that matters more than the others: yours.
Detach Yourself From Opinions
You may decline to say no for fear of social disapproval or anger. However, releasing yourself from this anxiety is a step in how you can learn to let go. You will never be able to please everyone, so living in constant fear of disapproval only stands to wreck your emotional health.
Help When You Want to Help
You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships with others. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want to gain the approval of others. Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
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